Kimi ni Todoke [Chapter 93]

She is surprised when Pin comes back out again. Pin uses a towel to wipe her head then puts a garbage bag on her. Ayane kept on complaining but Pin tells her that she’s noisy to death, it is enough to use this. Ayane couldn’t refute. Pin seriously asks her what’s up with her at this time-- Ayane thinks that she regrets for she shouldn’t say those things nor do those things,  from the start, she shouldn’t have accepted [Kent’s confession]. She repeatedly mutters that she made a mistake and what is she to do. She asks Pin if he never regretted. Irked Pin throws away the umbrella and grabs her shoulder. He tells her not to belittle others. Does she think that in this world, there is no one who regretted something? Pin tells her that right now, he is practicing with a group who are seriously putting all their effort to play in a competition. In order to win the competition, they continuously practice. Even if it is like that, if they don’t try, they don’t know if they’ll win or not. Even if they do it up to that degree, at the end of the competition, there are many people will have regrets even if they have thoughts of doing their best in order not to regret. People work hard to struggle. Everyone had done a lot of effort to do their best hence, they have lots of regrets. Do not confuse[/lump] them with you!

Gripping her shoulder, Pin tells her so what about making a mistake, just go and, properly regret it. Then, learn from your mistake. Pin grabs his umbrella and starts walking away. He clicks his tongue in irritation then looks sober. Later on, to Ayane’s surprise, Sawako and Chizuru call out to her. They ask her what she is doing, quickly use this umbrella and go to her [Sawako] house since it is nearby. Ayane mutters why. The two says that they were always together for the school festival when Shouta contacted Sawako that Ayane is drenched in the rain here. Chizuru asks what happened. Realizing that it was Pin who told Shouta, Ayane starts emoting why, why she is obviously mean, and didn’t she say she’s quite mean, she basically don’t have the right to accept their help like this, and they obviously can watch without doing anything. Chizuru shouts how can they just watch and not do anything. Sawako asks her what happened, and it is Ayane who is always willing, to listen attentively to what she says. Her friends decided to first bring her to Sawako’s house. In Sawako’s room, Ayane tells them that she did a mean thing to Kent for she refused him. Someone asks refused what. It took some time before Chizuru realized it. She becomes frantic and tries to clue Sawako in on it.

Then, Sawako realizes it and both girls are already nervous and frantic. Chizuru nervously says that if she thinks that it is no good, then it cannot be helped.. Ayane tells them that her brain basically doesn’t have Kent, she only has university in Tokyo in it. This surprises her friends that Sawako asks isn’t she recommended to a university in Sapporo. Ayane admits that she actually has always been only thinking of that thing. She says that Chizuru is for Ryu while Sawako is for Shouta but she never thought of Kent and herself, not even once. This made Chizuru nervous that they were going steady and not everyone is the same. Ayane says but they can imagine it. She never thought of long-distance or perhaps they’ll break up. She doesn’t have this feeling of not wanting to separate from Kent, not even once. ‘It’s hopeless’, ‘will fail’.. ‘so choose the recommendation’, ‘besides, Kent is also there’, she only thought of that and until Kent asked about it, she wouldn’t have realized it. She has always been thinking of herself so when he told her ‘don’t go’ ‘choose me’-- her body rejects it. It isn’t about his action, she rejects this person, Kent. She treated Kent’s feelings as a joke..want to laugh[/smile] in order to deal with it [/fool around to pass by it].

Chizuru asks why she gone steady with Kent. Ayane says that it is due to the situation and she couldn’t help it (it is the same as before) but unlike before, Kent is a good person. He really cherishes her, treated her seriously but she isn’t serious at all. She wonders why she didn’t explicitly refused him when obviously her heart felt that it is no good, and she felt in her heart that she cannot go steady with Kent. Ayane says that he is a good person and she hurt him. If she didn’t go steady with him, he wouldn’t have encountered this kind of thing. Chizuru shouts for Ayane to get a grip of herself. For Ayane to say hurt something-whatever, that way of thinking makes her [Chizuru] feel uncomfortable and could it be that when Ayane went steady with Kent, it isn’t happy and it was Kent who wanted to go steady with her. For her to say it would be good if they didn’t go steady, isn’t that more mean, and also could it be for her [Ayane], there is no good thing about going steady with Kent. Ayane exclaims that there is, [but] because she’s very cunning, very mean, always like this, she would pretend, immediately run away, and only think of not getting hurt. Cannot help but like [/love someone], whole day thinking of another person, this kind of feeling, she never had it. She is totally different from the two of them. She isn’t a bit nice. She’s very fickle, very cunning, very mean. She only wanted to experience it that’s all..for she doesn’t know the feeling of liking someone.

Recalling Kent telling her that he likes her like that, Ayane thinks that she hates this kind of her, hates so much. Ayane is surprised when Chizuru asks what about them, don’t she like [them]? After a pause, Ayane says of course, she likes..for who else would be like them. Chizuru exclaims that didn’t she know the feeling of like [/love]. Ayane says that it isn’t [romantic] love. Chizuru exclaims that even if it isn’t love, it is the same. She always cherish and regard Ayane. Chizuru asks if Ayane is this weak, don’t act cute when obviously she had challenged her to an arm wrestle. Sawako reminded Ayane that she told her ‘Sawako is the same as everyone’ ‘there’s nothing different’. Sawako tells her that when she said ‘want to be your friend’, compared to herself, wasn’t Ayane more concerned of her [Sawako] getting hurt or not. She had blended with the others, and was able to go steady with Shouta. Ayane had smiled and told her ‘that’s great’. Ayane had asked her ‘did you make friends?’, and said ‘you can do it’. Obviously it is about someone else’s but she would put herself in other’s shoes for sadness or for happiness, Ayane would always do that. Starting to cry, Sawako says that she got so many things from Ayane so don’t say that, because Ayane is absolutely not a fickle person, and she shouldn’t think that she is a cruel person. While Ayane wipes her tears, Chizuru asks Ayane if she felt apologetic. How come she feels apologetic? If she felt that her feelings weren’t sincere at all, then apologize to Kent. No matter what form it is, she can only seriously go and face Kent, right. Ayane recalls Pin telling her to regret then learn from it.

Comment: Well, Ayane pretty much confirms that she doesn’t have any single romantic feeling/thoughts for Kent. The relationship went for so long because she didn’t realize it until Kent mention it. So, if Kent didn’t mention it, she would probably still be playing ‘lovers’ with him until what/when..? Kent has already realized it earlier on but I guess, he is blinded by love and in self-denial until he pretty much reached his limit. Even if we can say that Kent ought to get what he deserve for going steady with someone who has no feelings for him, Ayane did say yes to him. I guess the thing is, Kent never expected Ayane would not be serious or even, try to like him. She is just staying with him with hopes that she’ll also experience the romantic feelings that her friends have, or at least, feel what it is like to date a ‘good person’. Of course, since they are in already third year, she is focusing on that university in Tokyo so her true feelings became more apparent. That probably caused Kent to finally realize her true feelings that he doesn’t want to acknowledge.

I do wonder how she is going to apologize to him for not treating him seriously. I really hope she doesn’t repeat all the stuff she said here to him. That would really hurt. I don’t think that most people would want to hear someone whom one really love to say something this: ah, actually, you’re right, I never love you..heck, nor really thought of you even once especially now that I want study elsewhere...all this time from the time we went steady. I went steady with you because I just cannot help it then..I got carried away, but I had some happy times, thanks, and sorry. Hehe, how’s that? =P Aside from how, I’m curious of the when. Should the apology be now, or later on? Right now, it ought to still hurt so maybe an apology later on is more suitable? Or better leave such things unsaid? What do you think? Well, I guess it all depends how Kent is taking this. He might be okay with it since well, he’s a ‘nice guy’. Anyway, Pin doesn’t seem to have patience with emo people. ^^; He said what he had to say and leave the rest to her friends. What he said did have its impact. Because, after the friend pep talk session, what he said lingered in her mind. Hehe, actually, most of what he said tends to linger on her mind =P Scans by 夜莺工作室

It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on. ~ Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free